Connection is key for building healthy relationships for all of us but is especially critical for helping our trauma-impacted children heal.
Research has shown that what has been broken in a relationship can be healed through healthy relationships, and this requires a deep connection.
However, sometimes it is just plain hard to connect with children who have strong emotions and big behaviors. It is not uncommon for these behaviors to cause us to pull away when we should be drawing closer, making connecting even harder. In order to foster connection, we need to pull our kids close rather than send them away when behaviors are brewing.
There are lots of little ways to make connections throughout the day, but one simple yet profoundly impactful way to nurture connection is through reading out loud.
Reading out loud is a simple way to build connection, and it is not just for the little ones.
Reading out loud to little children comes more naturally to most of us– most of them can’t read, after all, so we are much more likely to read to our little ones than to older kids and teens. But the benefit of reading out loud to our big kids is too great to ignore.
Benefits of reading out loud to your children:
While there are a plethora of benefits that come from reading out loud to your children, there are a few benefits that don’t receive as much attention but might be even more important:
- Reading together brings a chance for safe physical proximity. Touch is also essential for connection, but wounded children can be wary of it. When listening to a book, young children often lean in to see pictures and may find it easier to cuddle for a story than at other times. Teens might surprise you and do this, too, but if not, just being near enough to listen can be enough to forge a connection and build trust.
- Another benefit of reading out loud is that children will learn the sound of your voice in a playful, soothing way as you narrate in other voices. It can be hard for adults to remember to be playful in their daily routines, and it may be easier to be silly and lighthearted while reading. We can momentarily become someone else, and let angry tones and frustration melt away into a story when tensions are high.
- Reading out loud also opens opportunities for conversations that might not otherwise take place. My teenager often doesn’t want to talk about anything too deep, but during our time of reading out loud, he inevitably has questions about something we’ve read and we suddenly find ourselves in the middle of a discussion that often holds deep significance–but it never would have happened without the book. The story offers a non-threatening way to broach subjects our kids may never ask about on their own–and that we may never think to bring up either!
- Gathering for reading time gives everyone a chance to regulate their bodies and emotions. Combining this time with a healthy snack can do wonders for regulation!
Be intentional about what you read
It might be tempting to turn reading time into teaching time, and while there is certainly a place for that, don’t overdo it with instructional books–that is a sure way to have it backfire. The main point is to foster connection, and if you choose quality stories, learning will naturally happen.
Stories are powerful–through stories, we can learn much about life, character, and relating to others. Playful stories with rhyming are great for little ones, while stories of courage and overcoming are good options for older kids. Stories have the ability to help us process our own emotions through the experiences of others, and when stories are shared, the connection grows.
I would like to be able to say that what you read is not quite as important as that you read, but unfortunately, that is not the case. It is important to choose wisely. Just as stories have the power to change us for the better, they can also change us for the worse.
One must always be careful of books and what is inside them, for words have the power to change us.
~Cassandra Clare
Choose your read-alouds wisely, and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how this simple act, done with some intentionality, will help both you and your child connect when other things may have failed.
For inspiration and book lists, check out Read-Aloud Revival
Let me know if you try this! I’d love to hear about your experience!